Ever found yourself stuck making a tough personal decision and not knowing what to do? You know, one of those situations where both sides seem equally negative. A decision that probably comes with a taxing emotional battle as well such as relationships, careers, children, or friendship.
I think people respond quite differently when confronted with these types of decisions. Some of us easily pick a decision and march assuredly in one direction. Others avoid it for as along as possible, hoping it will take care of itself. Whatever the reaction, I think we all feel a lot of the same emotions; fear, stress, anxiety, loneliness. We are all wishing for the 'right' answer to find us. A compass to appear in the clouds overhead.
I have always thought I handle these decisions in a very healthy, logical way. I believe with enough analysis and introspection, 'right' answers always emerge. So I dig up old journal entries. I analyze past conversations and experiences. I try to weigh my personal characteristics with the decision and predict the level of happiness or regret that will likely result. I discuss it with people close to me and collect their advice. Heck, I even Google it. Once I think I've found my 'right' decision, I cling to it like the holy grail and try not to look back (or else begin the debate all over again).
Those of you that know me well know I wrestle with basically every aspect of my life... constantly. I dissect relationships relentlessly. I weigh career possibilities that will make me excited to work every day. I imagine some future perfection in which I've done enough research and soul searching to earn me the perfect relationship, in the perfect place, with the perfect job and the perfect balance. Everything that is 'just right' for me.
As a result, that makes every decision I make either the 'right' one, or a 'mistake'. It's either bringing be closer to my perfect fantasy future, or farther from it. This process puts me under tons of pressure to constantly reassess, reevaluate, and move ever forward. While it seems most people find change difficult, I find it incredibly hard to stay the same. To keep the same job, relationship, location, vision.
Sure, there are some things that I define myself by. Some traits or interests that seem to stick; yoga, health, environment, travel. But for the most part, I find myself restless. What could I be doing that would be more right for me? What should I be doing to get 'there'?
It's frickin' exhausting. I don't know how I keep it up. And yet... I kinda like it. The challenge I get. The meaning it puts into my life. The confidence I've built from redefining my life and abilities. The respect people give me for being courageous enough to change my situations.
But it has yet to make me really happy. It makes me take my happiness out of the present moment and apply it to some future date when I've achieved the career, standing relationship, and zen-like state I keep expecting of myself. And it makes me only able to commit in the short term. I can only give short bursts of undivided attention until I 'learn' more about myself and have to move along down my life 'path'.
Instead of the certainty I'm looking for, I usually end up with guilt, regret, confusion. I don't think I'm unique in this. Most people in my life are looking for the 'right' answers as well. Or at least think that they've already found it. Everyone wants a guiding light. Something that will take decisions out of their hands. We believe fervently in a diety. We look for 'signs' in our life. We leave things up to 'fate'. But we never stop searching for answers at some level.
My aunt and cousin visited me here in Venezuela last week. They were gracious enough to listen to me pour my heart out over all my relationship and career 'issues' and finding the 'right' answers. My aunt responded with what has turned out to be a very profound statement. She said, "Wow, Alex, you really overthink things. Life is just not that serious."
Life is just not that serious.
My problems are just not that serious. There isn't some important right answer to search for. Every fork in the road is not a test of my character and abilities. Relationships, careers, everything changes. It's just experiences that someday add up to a life. You won't even remember the importance of this moment 10, 20 or 30 years from now.
Lighten up. You're not perfect and that's okay.
Be present here. now.
Breathe. Smile. Accept.
Live.
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