In most peoples’ lives, routine is very important. There’s the morning routine. The evening routine. The shower routine. The workout routine. The food routine. The sunday routine. The holiday routine. Etc, etc, etc. We value routine, respect it and expect it. I would venture to say we even need it. Life can be quite overwhelming. Routine grounds us in what is familiar. What we are comfortable with.
I like routine. My yoga practice, friends, diet, job. I think routines can provide a vehicle for personal growth and achieving goals. But something about it scares me. Really just terrifies me. For a good portion of my life I’ve let routines hold me back, shape who I am, and control what I was able to do. Breaking free of my old habits and routines is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. And I’m deadly afraid of going back to that.
Routine can become stagnation, missed opportunities, loss of passion and excitement. We fill our schedule with the ‘normal’ things we like to do and stop taking risks, trying new things, exploring who we are. Our routines become us and next thing we know 5, 10, or 20 years go by and we wonder how we got there and where all the time is gone. We may not even like our routines that we’ve settled into. Lots of times we have imagined something completely different for ourselves than what we have. Most people when asked, can easily tell you what the wish they were doing, the type of person they want to be, the places they wish they could travel. But so few of us actually try to do it.
I think we are afraid. There is so much to be afraid of. What if we aren’t good enough? What if we can’t do that thing? What if we do it and it’s not as wonderful as we thought? What will trying something mean to our relationships with friends and family? Am I ready to risk everything?
I was afraid. Petrified. The day I told my family I was leaving. When I stepped off of the plane in a continent I’ve never seen, to live, indefinitely. The day I asked for a divorce. I’ve made so many changes. SO many. And because I was willing to do it, amazing things have happened to me and changed me. I’m not sure I would recognize my old self. I’m happy. Like really happy.
Something about taking risks is empowering. In my experience, they actually rarely turn out poorly. And every time I do something, it gets easier. I’m better at it. More confident. Able to enjoy and appreciate the crazy opportunities I’ve had. Less afraid.
BUT... some of those fears are totally real. My changes have resulted in unintended consequences to other parts of my life. Mainly good, but some incredible painful. Deciding what’s best for you and doing it can really change the important relationships in your life. It has for me. People don’t understand. Relationships end. They have their own opinions about what you should do. I’ve lost entire families of people I love. Relationships with friends and family that don’t see every day anymore have shifted and changed. I can’t begin to describe how painful that is. But the truth is, its also incredibly painful to be someone you are not. Live a life you are unhappy in. I love my family and friends and I would do anything for them. But I can’t let what they want from me override my ability to decide what is best for my life.
It’s like walking this fine line. Knife edge really. Between having the courage to create the reality you want and making the personal sacrifices you need to for the people in your life.
All these feelings and this whole blog post is resurfacing because someone close to me in my life right now is going through this exact thing. Stuck between the desire for change (the need, really) and the sacrifices he’d have to make to do it. There so much uncertainty and pain on both sides. And of course fear. I have no idea what advice to give. There really isn’t one right answer and both have consequences. The grey area of indecision where no ‘right’ answers truly exist. As much as I thrive on change, his situation is just really REALLY tough and it has effected even me deeply. I’ve never been in a situation like this (leaving the details out here to protect the innocent).
But he’s doing it. Despite how difficult it is. He’s really doing it. A recent update from him was ‘I think I’m going to puke’. Which basically sums up how throwing yourself into the unknown really feels. Scary, uncertain, lonely...
It takes a strength. A deep trust in yourself. A vision for something better. Hope, confidence and determination. It’s a feat that not everyone is capable of. Quite incredible in my opinion. (I'm so in awe of you)
Watching this take place has made me reflect on myself quite a lot. I’ve been thinking of all these changes that I’m so happy I made. Thinking about how very satisfied I am with myself and my life. I don’t remember ever experiencing this before.
I came across this on facebook the other day;
I spent the first 25 years of my life anxiously awaiting the future, the next few obsessively depressed with the past, and now maybe, just maybe I’m finally learning to live in the present.
The biggest challenge for me was letting go of all my expectations of what life should be. How I should be. All of a sudden I found myself much happier with what it is. The future will come and it will be what it is. Worrying about it only drives me crazy.
I also had to learn (still learning) to forgive myself the past. The pit of regret and pain easily swallows me whole. Sometimes I need to just forget about it!
So I’m finding, this living in the present thing is just really really nice. I don’t like thinking about the past or planning ahead too far. I enjoy where I’m at, the people I’m with, the things I’m doing. While I’m loving how I feel, this is having some unintentional effects. I keep refusing, really refusing to make any decisions about the future. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I would actually rather live in state of flux and uncertainty than make concrete decisions I can’t guarantee, in a future that I don’t know what will be like.
If I were to do some self-psychoanalysis, I’m pretty sure I know why. Concrete decisions I’ve made in the past have never stuck. They’ve only ended in pain for me and usually other people close to me too. So if i don’t make them, then I never have to worry about failing to meet them.
The ironic part is, that sounds like fear to me. Afraid to take risks. Which is the opposite of how I claim to be living my life. I wonder why I’m so afraid to take these types risks that involve commitment. To really dedicate myself to something singular...
Life is full of contradictions, I guess. Still I’m happy to say I’m willing to face them. Everyday if I have to. In constant pursuit of what is real, honest, and true.
P.S. Random, but I like teddy bears
