5 Hundred 25 Thousand 6 Hundred Minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

For some, the New Year always brings about a time of reflection.  On the year, on themselves, on their jobs, their goals, their passions.  For me, it’s the end of the school year that does it. 

All school year I’m caught up in teaching, projects, meetings, vacations, friendships, plans and other business.  Right now there is about a month left until final exams and it feels like I’ve finally taken my first deep breath.  I feel the weight of this school year, of my life, of my choices, my battles, and equally so those people in my life. 

I came to Venezuela only 9 months ago with a suitcase full of plans for a relationship, a career, and a life I wanted.  I wasn’t prepared for the tests I would face or the truths I’d have to give up.  What really happened is, my relationship ended.  My job turned out to be something completely different.  I lost a family member and I struggled being so far away.  I missed my friends dearly and it pained me to stand on my own two feet; all alone.  Still, in the end, I wouldn’t change anything about it.

I thought I’d be teaching some science and physical education and enjoying what would be “easy” days compared to what I’m used to.  Instead I taught a combination of math, science, health, wellness, and global issues and became the stand-in College Counselor.  I developed and implemented a global citizenship program at my school, took student groups to the first ever Global Issues Network of the Americas in Lima, Peru, started an EcoCub, became a leader in our curriculum development, and the first ‘FedEx’ day intended to inspire students and their ideas.  I’ve traveled to Caracas, Maracaibo, Merida, VE and Lima, Peru with students, coached the basketball team, and worked hand-in-hand with my administrators on a variety of topics.  Small school = Many hats.  I go home every day exhausted. 

When I look back on it, I can’t believe all the things I’ve been involved in at my school.  And I can’t believe all the things I’ve found I’m capable of.  I’m at the end of my 6th year of teaching and I finally feel like I’m not being treated like a ‘new-bee’ anymore.  I find I have valuable experience to bring to the table and people actually listen.  I’m learning how to lead effective and efficient meetings and help a team achieve goals.  I’ve honed my email and verbal communication to try and create a positive climate.  Maybe, just maybe, I can be a leader.  Like really, really lead.  Use my passion to get the things important to me accomplished.  This year I’ve learned to say, “I can,” and believe it more than I ever used to.

Ironically, I’ve also decided that a career change is an inevitable part of my future.  I love kids, but I don’t love the classroom.  I love learning, but I don’t love teaching the same things over and over.  I love leading, but I don’t love trying to motivate people that don’t want to be there.  I envision working with like-minded adults to accomplish something truly great.  I want go back to school and create a depth to my understanding about the environmental world.  I want the freedom to self-direct.  To decide where I want to invest all of my energy and what kind of legacy I want to leave.  This change excites me.

My relationship ended mid-year.  With all the expectations I had, this is taking a real toll on me.  I’m staring at 30 and being single is not what I wanted.  But choosing to end a bad relationship and learning to rely on myself may be just what the doctor ordered.  I may not like it, but I’m learning to be alone.  I’m learning to find other connections that are important to me.  To put my needs first for a bit and quit trying to fix and modify the people in my life.  I’m learning to welcome in new friendships and say ‘yes’ to new opportunities.  I’m also learning what exactly it is I want in a relationship.

After much deliberation, I’ve narrowed it down to the following:

I want someone that can match my intensity for life.  Someone that understands when I don’t stop until I’ve got it ‘right’ but at the same time helps me step back and see the big picture.  I want someone that finds the inherent good in people and can empathize with anyone.  Someone who helps me forgive.  Someone that’s a problem solver and can make things happen.  Who has their own passions as well.  Someone that opens me up to new ideas and is patient and caring.  Who makes me laugh. 

And hey, it wouldn’t hurt if he was dashingly good looking with a great body :)

Maybe I’m asking too much...

Regardless, I’m offering a large sum of money to the person that finds him for me. 
**Big bonus if he practices yoga and doesn’t judge people with minor chocolate addictions.

But even bigger on the priority list right now:  I want my friends and family back!!  While living in Korea, I developed some of the best friendships I’ve ever had (Liz, I’m talking about you!).  And I had a community of rock-star women who were incredibly inspiring and supportive.  I miss them (Where are my Biscuits?!).  SO much.  I didn’t even realize how lucky I was.  And my family too!  So much seems to be going on at home that I’m not a part of.  This year has been lonely because of
that.  Lots of questions about what I’m doing and the relationships I’m missing out on. 

 Liz and I.  Man, that seems so long ago!

 

Left to right; brother eric, myself, brother adam, and sister alyssa.  Miss you.

Funny though how life always brings you what you need.  Since the breakup, I’ve put myself out there and gotten to know some really great people.  Like Marisa that I recently traveled to Colombia.  I mean, I do feel lucky here.  But it’s so hard to start from scratch.  The intimacy that is felt with an old friend or family member that really knows you is almost unbeatable.

And, another big thing that has happened this year... drum roll please... I’ve started looking into the adoption process.  Nothing substantial yet.  Reading, getting my head around the idea.  Sending a few emails.  I think I’m looking at a few years until anything really gets underway, but it feels really good to start thinking about.  It feels very right for me.

It’s been quite a year.  I feel a heck of a lot older most of the time.  I don’t like doing a lot of the things I used to do when I was younger.  I used to like to party a lot and now I can’t stomach more than a moderate amount of food and drink.  I used to love to read and watch fiction.  Now I’d rather read nonfiction and watch documentaries.  I used to run and workout until I couldn’t go another inch, and now I enjoy listening to my body and doing enjoyable activities like yoga and walking.  I find myself preaching to my students about ‘when I was your age’ and am surprised that some of my students are now sophomores in college.  I don’t feel as anxious or demanding anymore.  I let things pass more gracefully and I see things in the grey scale much more so than black and white.  And in general, I’m a lot happier with myself.  I’m less afraid to make mistakes, more easily say ‘I’m sorry’, and much less critical of my actions.  I forgive a little easier and let go of a little more.  With my 30th birthday looming, I can say that I’m happy with the curves my life has taken.  I appreciate my experiences and look forward to whatever the next 30 years have in store.

Namaste