Going Home: An Honest Look

I think Dorothy got it right; there’s no place like home. There is nothing like the feeling of belonging that family provides. People that really know you, know your past, and love you unconditionally. It was like a total recharge being home this Christmas and seeing family and friends, albeit brief. But I must admit to the enormous amount of anxiety I had going into this winter break. Not to layout all my psychoses in print on the Internet (okay, maybe I’m about to), but it must be said that traveling home this Christmas was no carefree matter.

First there is the scheduling dilemma - the sheer impossible task of trying to plan quality time in ample amounts with everyone. This drives me instantly to the brink of breakdown. There is no way to balance two different immediate and extended families, a boyfriend who currently lives on the other side of the planet (who is amazing throughout all of this, btw), boyfriend’s family, all my different friend groups and just a little bit of actually break time for me. It’s impossible, I’d like you all to know. I love the people in my life SO much and it is a brutal sacrifice I make for my lifestyle right now - to short change time spent on these relationships.

Next, (truly relaying some inner honestly here) it is hard to predict what to expect from these relationships that I don’t get to physically interact with but a few months a year. Moving away is hard to do and different people have different emotions about my choices, I’m sure. So I set myself the pure unattainable goal of trying to show each and every member of my family and friends how much I do miss them and think about them while I’m away and do appreciate the time I get to spend with them while at home. But there is a distance. Relationships do shift over time and I drive myself insane trying to determine how they’ve shifted, whether that is good or bad, and how exactly to approach these new situations. In reality, I fear the judgement of those people close to me whose opinion I value so much.

My lifestyle (90% of the time) makes me feel unbelievably happy. The experiences I have traveling are invaluable to my personal growth and understanding. I feel humbled and liberated and awed on almost a regular basis. But as I said earlier, there is a sacrifice. Humans, by nature I think, thrive in a community. There is strength and love and confidence in defining yourself as part of a community. Although I have a community here at KIS, I left my family community on the other side of the Earth. Hardest thing I do everyday is think of this. So I wonder as I try to re-enter this community this December how exactly I fit in now. And what a soul-crushing feeling to think that I might not.

So, I think you get the picture. It’s December 17th, 2010 at 6pm and I’m boarding a plane for MKE. Along with my excitement to see the people I love, I’ve packed anxiety, paranoia, fear, guilt, shame. I have prepared to feel like the outsider from the community I so hope I still belong to.

But then I arrive home. And that is exactly what it feels like above anything else; Home. Smiles, tears, hugs. This is my community too. I belong here too. I’m still battling demons in how I see myself, my life, but things critically shifted this break. I find I create more problems for myself in my head than could ever fabricate into even a fraction of reality. I am so thankful for these moments with my family and friends and the incomparable perspective it provides. Sitting around the dinner table on Christmas Eve with my dad, carol, my siblings, and eric, we shared some of our intimate thoughts with each other. And at my mom’s the next day with peter, mom, lauren, mason and everyone else playing games and enjoying each other’s company late into the night. I reflect on how SO much has changed. Everyone is older, different. But at the same time I realize how it is also so much the same. These people I know, love, and bond with will always be this, even as things shift and alter. In those moments I was filled to the brim with love and belonging - affected to the core as my fears and worries lifted from my shoulders. Like I said, the feeling of community; knowing who you are; nothing else compares.

Thus in the end, I had a wonderful, whirlwind of a time at home this winter. So wonderful in fact that is was incredibly difficult to leave. Gosh, I love my family!! Here are some pictures from our time together:

Left: Adam, Dad, Ben. Right: Adam looking tough squaring off to wrestle!

Christmas at Grandma's and John's. Yum, yum! (yep, definitely ate too much)

Left: Adam, Koral (love that girl), Eric and Alyssa. Right: Sky-man, Lo and mama (cute!)

Left: Pete with Lo and Sky. Right: The cutest kid ever! These boots were made for walkin'

The whole Smith-Wenzel-Gruber gang. This photo really says it all.

And finally, a couple shots from my wild snowboard trip to upper MN with Eric and his fun group of friends. Nice to see Chris, Tanya, Tony, Becca, Matty, Thorpy, and Timmy again as well as make some new friends :)

But now I’m back to the grindstone of work, the bitter cold of Korea, and melding back into my community here. With so much excitement ahead this semester I know I will quickly fit back into my rather amazing life abroad. January brings my second-to-last academic course toward my masters degree (woo hoo!). February, a Habitat trip to Sri Lanka. March - the busiest - with Adam and Eric G. visiting, my trip to Venezuela, and Adam and I to Boracay! Sometimes I need to smack myself awake to remember how lucky I am! So one last shout out to my family and friends for welcoming as always with open arms this winter. There really is no place like home.