Life is Just Not that Serious!

Warning:  Scary insights into my psyche. 

Ever found yourself stuck making a tough personal decision and not knowing what to do?  You know, one of those situations where both sides seem equally negative.  A decision that probably comes with a taxing emotional battle as well such as relationships, careers, children, or friendship.


I think people respond quite differently when confronted with these types of decisions.  Some of us easily pick a decision and march assuredly in one direction.  Others avoid it for as along as possible, hoping it will take care of itself.  Whatever the reaction, I think we all feel a lot of the same emotions;  fear, stress, anxiety, loneliness.  We are all wishing for the 'right' answer to find us.  A compass to appear in the clouds overhead.


I have always thought I handle these decisions in a very healthy, logical way.  I believe with enough analysis and introspection, 'right' answers always emerge.  So I dig up old journal entries.  I analyze past conversations and experiences.  I try to weigh my personal characteristics with the decision and predict the level of happiness or regret that will likely result.  I discuss it with people close to me and collect their advice.  Heck, I even Google it.  Once I think I've found my 'right' decision, I cling to it like the holy grail and try not to look back (or else begin the debate all over again).


Those of you that know me well know I wrestle with basically every aspect of my life... constantly.  I dissect relationships relentlessly.  I weigh career possibilities that will make me excited to work every day.  I imagine some future perfection in which I've done enough research and soul searching to earn me the perfect relationship, in the perfect place, with the perfect job and the perfect balance.  Everything that is 'just right' for me.


As a result, that makes every decision I make either the 'right' one, or a 'mistake'.  It's either bringing be closer to my perfect fantasy future, or farther from it.  This process puts me under tons of pressure to constantly reassess, reevaluate, and move ever forward.  While it seems most people find change difficult, I find it incredibly hard to stay the same.  To keep the same job, relationship, location, vision.


Sure, there are some things that I define myself by.  Some traits or interests that seem to stick;  yoga, health, environment, travel.  But for the most part, I find myself restless.  What could I be doing that would be more right for me?  What should I be doing to get 'there'?


It's frickin' exhausting.  I don't know how I keep it up.  And yet... I kinda like it.  The challenge I get.  The meaning it puts into my life.  The confidence I've built from redefining my life and abilities.  The respect people give me for being courageous enough to change my situations.


But it has yet to make me really happy.  It makes me take my happiness out of the present moment and apply it to some future date when I've achieved the career, standing relationship, and zen-like state I keep expecting of myself.  And it makes me only able to commit in the short term.  I can only give short bursts of undivided attention until I 'learn' more about myself and have to move along down my life 'path'.


Instead of the certainty I'm looking for, I usually end up with guilt, regret, confusion.  I don't think I'm unique in this.  Most people in my life are looking for the 'right' answers as well.  Or at least think that they've already found it.  Everyone wants a guiding light.  Something that will take decisions out of their hands.  We believe fervently in a diety.  We look for 'signs' in our life.  We leave things up to 'fate'.  But we never stop searching for answers at some level.


My aunt and cousin visited me here in Venezuela last week.   They were gracious enough to listen to me  pour my heart out over all my relationship and career 'issues' and finding the 'right' answers.  My aunt responded with what has turned out to be a very profound statement.  She said, "Wow, Alex, you really overthink things.  Life is just not that serious."


Life is just not that serious.


My problems are just not that serious.  There isn't some important right answer to search for.  Every fork in the road is not a test of my character and abilities.  Relationships, careers, everything changes.  It's just experiences that someday add up to a life.  You won't even remember the importance of this moment 10, 20 or 30 years from now.


Lighten up.  You're not perfect and that's okay.


Be present here.  now.


Breathe.  Smile.  Accept.


Live.

Blob to Blog

I've been teaching middle school health this semester (how I ended up with that, I have no idea...) and I recently was teaching a lesson about female puberty changes.  I played a cute little clip from youtube on menstruation:

The little song; "blob, blob, blob" has been stuck in my head for days... But somewhere along the line I mentally inserted the word "blog, blog, blog".  I guess I took that as a sign to finally put a post up on my blog!  Here you have it.  Enjoy your menstruation education and I will be back again on a computer near you some day soon.

Change in her 20's

Recently I was asked to make a guest appearance on a friend's blog and talk about some of the changes I have made in my life. Laying it all out and working through my emotions again was no easy undertaking. But I think in the end I was able to make some healthy realizations.


But let me back up a bit. I was introduced to Ashtanga Yoga through the passion of a colleague of mine; Craig. His life story is incredibly inspirational and the changes he has made is leading him to a career in Life Coaching. He is currently transitioning and next year will be his last year as an educator. In the mean time he is blogging and building a client base. The theme of all of this is "Change". Knowing that I have been through a lot of this lately, he asked me to write about them. If you would like, please give it a read. Here is the link to the post I wrote or I posted the text below:

http://www.craigmorton.org/your-change.html

I'd love to know your response. Feel free to let me know!

Change in her 20's
In the past two years I moved to the other side of the planet, started using my childhood name again, got a divorce, lost 15 pounds, changed all my daily habits, began and finished a masters degree, traveled in over 10 countries, started a new relationship, and committed to a daily practice of Ashtanga Yoga. I’ve had change and lots of it. I’m redefining who I am and my entire life in a drastic way. I don’t think I would even recognize myself two years ago.

Well maybe I didn’t so much as change myself as much as I did uncover who I was all along. The changes themselves were an inevitable result for me. That’s not to imply it was easy. Every single change I made was a conscious decision met with consequences on multiple levels. I’ve made lots of changes, but it doesn’t seem to get easier. It’s a hard, scary battle. Even lonely. Especially lonely. And I constantly doubt myself, ask myself why, and question if it’s worth it. I often feel overwhelmed with fear, guilt and sometimes selfishness. But the results have been incredible. Seriously, incredible. Worth every little bit of it.
I’ve choose to spend most of my life bending to the needs of others. Living in the shadow of their needs. Their support. Their interests. Their dreams. Consumed by guilt and inadequacy, I felt safe there and in many ways that is how I claimed my own type of worth. The hardest (and scariest) thing for me has been learning to value myself in my own life.

I can almost pinpoint the moment that began the revolution in my life. It was a location far from home; a small beach town in Nicaragua. I was on holiday with my mother and 2 of her sisters. I’d been on ‘vacation’ before, but this was an entirely different experience. There I was with 4 other middle-aged women, exploring off the beaten track. We spent a lot of our time afraid of being robbed, chatting to strange and interesting people, and doing everything on the spur of the moment. It was a blast! And very far out of my comfort zone. I had experiences I never thought I would have. I talked to people I was normally too intimidated to talk to. And I learned about ideas and interests from around the world.

While I was in Nicaragua, I became someone else entirely. I wasn’t worried about anyone but myself. I had time to just think, reflect and wonder. I was easy-going. I was trying new things. I was present and aware. And I liked this side of me. I was happy.

Returning from this experience I was able to acknowledge (out loud) that I wasn’t happy in my life. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. In fact, I didn’t even know who that person was. This was the start for me. Accepting that I lost control of my life. Admitting that I had made a lot of bad decisions. Decisions that were not for me. And a realization of the type of person I wanted to be.

Even admitting this was excruciating. I felt like such a fake. A phony. A failure. My life seemed so meaningless. All the fronts I had up were bogus and now I knew it. I fell into depression. The despair and loneliness of depression was foreign to me and excruciating. I think it would have swallowed me entirely if I didn’t have such amazing support and love from my mother and my sister. They asked me all the tough questions I needed to ask myself. And they encouraged me to make the changes I needed in my life.

Realizing that you need to change and actually making changes are two very different things. The most difficult part was knowing that decisions I made would change relationships I had and hurt a lot of people. Especially those close to me. And very deeply. And this is exactly what happened. I have never been responsible for someone’s suffering so intimately as I did in that moment I asked for a divorce. It’s indescribable. I felt my body tie up in a million knots. My entire soul felt actually, physically crushed. It was like being run over by a truck. It was so traumatic for me that I’ve blocked out most of what happened after that initial moment. I can’t recall words that were said or feelings that passed. It just one big, empty expanse. And then a rush of guilt. A tsunami of guilt.

The guilt kept piling on as I lost a family, best friends, and the respect of most of the people in my life. Just one experience after another reminding me how selfish I was. How I had ruined everything. And what’s worse is that I felt like I deserved it. I welcomed every little bit of the judgment and hate I was getting. I made no attempt to defend myself, claim my own right to life. I just lived in that pain and guilt indefinitely, found some unhealthy ways to cope, and learned to survive.

A then one day I woke up, looked in the mirror, and felt just a little bit better about myself. I don’t know why. I guess I just had enough. I learned to tuck a little of the guilt away and make it a little smaller. I learned to let go of some of the things I couldn’t control. And the next day I did the same thing. In fact, it started to become a daily affirmation. It took a lot of effort, but I got up every morning and told myself I was worth it. Told myself time would pass and things would get better.

However, I must admit the guilt and pain are still always around. I carry it around with me like a stone in my pocket. It’s sting isn’t quite as bad now, but I always know it’s there. Every time I reach into my pocket, there I find it and I’m flooded again with emotions. It’s a little smaller now and smoother. And it doesn’t get caught in with everything else in my pocket as much as it used to. It’s manageable. I’ve gotten used to it’s presence and even kind of like it. Or at least learned to appreciate it.

I think many of our experiences in life are like this. At least the important ones. We carry them around with us in some form and their effects are never completely lost. Sometimes they influence us to change and sometimes they try to prevent us from it. But we ultimately get to decide what to make of them. Mine motivates me daily. It makes me grateful for my second chance and reminds me to make the most of it. Mine is a symbol of my internal strength and gives me the confidence I need to value myself, my convictions, and my place in this universe.
It is within the depths of despair and conflict that we are forced to face ourselves, own up, and be the change. My life is nowhere near perfect and I surmise it never will be. I will continue to make mistakes, harbor regrets, and battle my inner demons. But each choice, each change, gives me just a little bit more insight and strength. Walking my own path brings me peace and happiness. It makes me feel alive and connected with the world around me. This I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. I challenge you to join the ranks of those people who live what they teach, who walk their talk.” Tony Robbins

Blood Diamonds

Have I mentioned that I have amazing students?

Recently I assigned my students the task of actually taking action in a campaign important to them. Two of my students choose to raise awareness by writing a song and posting it to youtube. The topic was diamond mining in Africa and how by buying diamonds we are supporting war, corruption, oppression, and poverty. Although I would now suggest never, ever, ever buying diamonds again (which I won't), there are some measures you can take to attempt to assure your diamonds aren't from conflict areas.

This is what my students are singing about here. Pretty powerful stuff. Just ignore the "fart" sticker, lol. I don't think they put a thought into that one. The lyrics are below. And you can click on the video again to take you to the youtube page where you can leave a comment for them if you want!



From the writers: "An original Kenny and I co-wrote for an environmental science project. We wanted to raise awareness about the fact that diamonds aren't always legally excavated, and people still suffer from the production of them."

Go to http://www.diamondfacts.org

Lyrics:

You buy a diamond ring for that girl you love
But do you know what happened in the making of
That shiny piece of jewelry
Imagine if it were you or me
In the midst of civil war, people diggin' up these minerals
Associate with happiness, like Peter Pans and Tinkerbells
But bad things are hidden
Way out of view

Conflict Diamonds
(Every time you hit the jewelry store)
What are they
(You may hurt the problem more)
Gotta stop them
(The solution always starts with you)
So what can you do
You can ask your jeweler a question or two

These diamonds, can you tell me from where they were provided
Does your company have policy, on these conflict diamonds
And can you do something for me
Provide me with a written guarantee
If they can't do these things, then tell them you won't buy them
And we'll weed out companies with conflict diamonds
Without a profit in this, I swear they'll go out of business